Laptop Woes

“Please stand by for an important announcement!” Or when the TV screen went all lines and squiggles and a sign popped up, “Please Stand By.” So I did. I’d get up, go stand quietly beside the TV. Cracked Mom up every time. Hm? What do you mean you’ve never seen that happen? It happened all the time. Every time the television station lost its signal. How old are you? Oh. Never mind. You probably don’t even know what a Wheel-O is, do you? Saddle oxfords? Flavored lip gloss slick enough to make your sweetie pie slide right off your face? Oy vay.

Here’s the announcement: “I’m baaaaack!!” Cheers? Applause? For me?! Really? Wow. Thank you. Thank you very much. (Ow! How did Elvis curl his lip like that without it staying that way permanently?)

Yes, I was blasted back to the early part of the 20th Century when my laptop crashed and burned. I don’t know much about computers. ON. OFF. DELETE. HELP. As long as I can get to my e-mail, read the news, shop on Amazon, Google whatever-it-is, look at pics of gorgeous men (I may be 52 but I’m not dead.) I’m a happy camper. 

Then—uh-oh! The computer nosedived. I carried it to Best Buy. Surely (“Don’t call me Shirley.”) they could locate the problem and fix it. For a nominal fee, of course. The Geek Squad dude plugged it in. Did things to it. Came back with a diagnosis of the motherboard was dead. I figured if the mother-of-the-board had died my laptop was pretty much history. I had to start saving pennies to afford a new one. A really nice new one. Another hp. With quad core something-or-other. Intel inside. Windows 7. Brushed silver lid. PREMIER EXPERIENCE, for cryin’ out loud. How could I pass that up? I knew I’d be back on the Internet within minutes of arriving home.

Not so fast there, pardner. Hang on to ya hoss. This house is wireless. My previous laptop was wireless. Unfortunately the wireless house did not recognize the brand new shiny hp laptop computer. Dang. Multiple almost-but-not-quite conversations with the Xfinity people and overwhelming frustration on my part later, I headed back to Best Buy. Asked if they had a connector thingy so I could put together two fifty-foot computer cords from the router-what’s-it to my brand new shiny hp laptop computer. No, but they had this other cool doo-dad that plugs in there and there then you plug in the other part over here and here. Viola! Internet!

I was so excited I had to do my Happy Dance. Even if I do say so myself, it’s amazing to behold. You should see it. People stand in shock and awe when I do my Happy Dance. It’s kinda like somebody break-dancing while having a seizure. And being electrocuted. All at the same time. I think they have difficulty grasping the concept of a short, round woman’s body parts being in different directions simultaneously. (I am a nursing professional. Do not try this at home.)

I logged onto my e-mail account. Permit me to correct myself: I attempted to log on to my e-mail account. Yahoo said, “Who’d you say you are? Nah. Can’t be. She died months ago. Intruder! Intruder! Danger Will Robinson! Danger Will Robinson!” I had to show my Driver’s License, proof of purchase, Social Security card, fingerprint—no, seriously. I get onto the computer using my fingerprint, blood type, last paycheck stub, and have my tongue scanned to prove I am me. (Like anybody else would want to be me? NOT!)

Finally. . .I was ON! Whoo-Hoo! More Happy Dancing. I knew I’d have quite a few e-mails considering I’ve been gone for months. But five thousand plus?! Yikes. From what I’ve discovered only about one hundred were from family and friends. The rest are from companies who send me their updates on a daily basis. Some of them a few times each day. I didn’t realize I’d signed up for so many. Luckily they’ve been fairly easy to DELETE: all the clothing ones are grouped together, all the jewelry ones are one-after-the-other, and so on and so forth. It’s like single women at a wedding reception when the bride tosses her bouquet. They cram together then launch themselves into a shark feeding frenzy to catch the poor cluster of flowers. If I were a tulip, I’d stick myself to the ceiling. “No way I’m leaping into that snarling mass of “I’ll never be able to wear this dress again”!” Competition is a great thing, ain’t it? 

It was a bit consternating the small amount of family and friends e-mails I had. Only a couple sent e-mails to ask if I were all right. I got several FWD political articles, some of those tearjerker “Jesus Died For You!” stories, a cartoon or five. I coulda totally been a dead motherboard for all they knew. No contact for months and all I get is a FWD article about Princess Kate Middleton being caught on camera topless and bottomless? Like I couldn’t see that on the TV news for myself? 

So here I am. Back in one piece. On the Internet. With a brand new shiny hp laptop computer. I must say it’s taken some getting used to the new laptop. Some of the keys on the keyboard have been moved. I’m not sure why. I don’t know how it happened. I tap an “O” but it appears as an “I”. I touch “J” but “JK” comes up. I should tape the phrase, “What the heck?” and play it continuously while I’m typing. Not to mention I’m going to need Botox injections from all the wrinkles I’ve produced frowning at the screen when something like, “I’ny dhe of mgj or ftas do haiez ala ksbj” appears before my eyes when I know for a fact that isn’t what I typed. SDee? It happened AGAIN! “What the heck?”

There are lots of new symbols and functions on this brand new shiny hp laptop computer. I have absolutely no idea what some of them are. Okay, most of them. I’ve chosen a few to see what would happen. Who knew the BeeGee’s Stayin’ Alive was still playing? Blasted outta the speakers. Dang-near blew the hair right off my head. Or that the screens could fly past faster than a speeding bullet. Have you ever seen a slow nbullet? (

Look! Again!) Wouldn’t that make it a snaillut? Not sayin’ bulls are all that fast, but. . ..

What? Sherry said I’d tell funny stories about kitties and puppies? She did? Guess that’ll (

!!!) teach her to go promising things I can’t deliver. Like a guy who’s dating two or three or seven women. Man, don’t tell all them women the same thing. They find out? You’ll be deader than my previous hp laptop computer!

What did I learn about my time without Internet? I can still play Spider Solitaire! (Sorry, God.) I’m sure it was something profound. Something like. . .um. . .I’m sure there’s something. . .let me think. . .. I know: I can actually open a Bible instead of Googling Matthew (tried to find a Biblical font), Chapter 9420 and reading it. In fact, it brought back many fond memories of my childhood, reading a for-real Bible. Using a colored pencil to underline important passages for later, “Why did I underline that verse?” And wasn’t there some song we sang to help us memorize the books of the Bible? To the tune of Captain and Tennille’s Muskrat Love?

How about, God was the same yesterday as He is today, as He will be tomorrow. From papyrus to pen and ink to printed word to Internet. He hasn’t changed. He won’t change. Doesn’t matter in what fashion you read His Word. The message is the same: For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son so that whoever believes in Him will not perish but will have everlasting life.

Suppose I’ll have to save all those funny kitties and puppies stories for next month.

Until next time, may you be filled with God’s tender mercies. 

Jann (Sherry’s sister)